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This October's Prevention magazine has an article called "Find Your Own Happiness: Never settle for less than what you want with these research-tested routes to a brighter future by Joan Borysenko, PhD. One of the seven steps to happiness she mentions is community involvement:
I have seen several of these communities. As a grown-up, the first one that really hit me was ultimate frisbee (a high-energy team sport with an unusually high fairness ethic). I once volunteered to let a new ultimate-playing grad student stay at my house while I was hunting for a paying roommate and he was hunting for a more permanent place to live. This guy was a very good player and played tournaments across the country. He talked about how wherever he went, he could always find a place to stay. I was a little bit jealous of his connections, not to mention his ultimate skills. I do not belong to this community, although I do visit from time to time.
My sister has this same kind of deal going on with the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism, a historical participation group focusing on the Medieval period). She really got into it when she was in a military town where you are an oddity if you get married before you're even pregnant. If I had lived there, I would have joined the SCA, too. But since I live in Austin, where there is actually more than one fun thing to do, I haven't. She has that same thing where she can have an instant connection with people all across (mostly English-speaking) countries. She found her husband there.
A family friend is also in the SCA community, although he does live in a cool town. He finds that he can practice all his favorite hobbies there: guitar playing and singing, story telling, dressing up, play fighting, and probably other things I no longer remember. He met at least his first wife there.
I have a friend who deliberately joined a church, at least partly for the Machiavellian purpose of having, basically, insurance. If you belong to a church and you are in trouble, then you will have a place to get help (even beyond your own family and friends).
My parents and paternal grandparents became very involved in their synagogues for almost purely social reasons. (I mean, Grandma would make ham for Passover.) all took on major roles such as President of the Sisterhood or Newsletter Editor. Mom and Dad also help with building repair and renovation, curtain and other textile creation, fund raisers, P R, and weekly challah (bread in the shape of a braid) baking.
There's an online journaling community which I haven't quite jumped into. You can go to JournalCon in a new city every year, and there are groups of bloggers that meet regularly in many cities, including mine, I believe. There's even an online chat group I hang out in (3WA, for those who know it), but I quit being a member when payment was required because I am a cheapskate and didn't want to spend too much of my time there.
I suspect some regular writers belong to a similar community. I saw hints of community with nanowrimo and I used to go to a monthly meeting of people in my neighborhood interested in writing.
There's a folk dancing community around here, which I used to frequent and which an old roommate hangs around a lot. You can go to different dances virtually every night of the week. She freaked out a little when one of the dancers expressed concern that she had missed some events by telling her that she should get her priorities straight. My friend thought that she did have her priorities straight because there is more to life than folk dancing.
I am afraid that this is how I have felt about communities so far. I do not currently have any of these connections. I am not religious. I haven't volunteered (Red Cross, Girl Scouts) in years. I haven't gotten sucked in that deeply into ultimate frisbee or writing or even ballroom dancing. I don't even know my neighbors.
It's partly because I have more than one hobby. But there are also some creepy elements involved like not wanting to be beholden to too many people, a distaste for stalkers, and what one person calls my fierce independence. I don't really think I can be independent, but I do like not having to rely on any particular person or group for my happiness. I may also have a fear of spending too much energy in one area either because I'm afraid I will lose all my other interests, or I will become a self-centered person who thinks she is better than everyone in some area.
For example, in ballroom dance, I thought for a while that it might not actually be possible to get good without becoming icky. The best people seemed to dance only with good people (and when you're female, that meant clawing your way past the other females to the scarce males). And they looked at themselves in the mirror a lot (to check their form).
But I have been able to get relatively good without forgetting that the whole point is to have fun. In fact just this weekend I went out of my way to dance a few dances with a guy sitting by himself. I learned that he's a beginner, but nice and not at all slimy. When a merengue came on, I decided that he needed to be introduced to the magic. So I walked up to him and said, "You probably don't realize it, but you know this dance." I showed him the basic, which is one step to the side and another step to bring the feet back together, with hips moving. And I showed him the other basic which is just walking in any direction with hips moving. I showed him some arm-twirly bits to throw in, told him to add any other moves he knew from other dances, and then turned over the leading to him. My plan totally worked--based on my experience dancing with him, this might now be his best dance. At the end he asked me, "What was the name of that dance again?"
I'm not competition grade, though. I can't even really dance with my friend-of-a-friend B who has been seriously dancing with an official partner and is now awesome. Of course, the partner is known as "the dragon lady," which only supports my fear that getting good is not enough fun.
Another problem is that the one group that I really feel comfortable and happy hanging with is computer geeks. But I hate programming, computer research, computer maintenance, etc. It's just that I like the kinds of brains that people who are attracted to those things have, and I like so many of the other things they do with those fabulous brains. I've never hit it off or felt totally comfortable like that in a group of ultimate players, Girl Scout leaders, ballroom dancers, folk dancers, writers, SCAdians, or any other group I've seen.
And so although I look wistfully at the community experiences other people are having, and am on the lookout for such a thing myself, I don't currently have it. For now I have a small group of good friends, and several groups of other people I enjoy interacting with (friends-of-friends, dancers, bloggers, co-workers, etc.).
P.S. I know that around here, a surprising proportion of both ballroom dancers and ultimate players are computer folks. But some ballroom dancers are there for the touching, which is fine, but they are too desperate or otherwise creepy about it. And I have been totally turned off several times by ultimate players who have no respect for, well, me. Even in gatherings where they are pretending to be open-minded, they still really only want to play with people who are good. And even in an environment where all the women can kick my butt, and so I would really rather guard some of the men, they are so sexist that they still make me guard other women because to them "woman" is a synonym for "bad player that we have to have at least three of on our team because this is a co-ed league."
Become part of a community
Whether you're deeply involved with a religious group, a civic organization, or an athletic team, a feeling of strong community is one of the most important paths to happiness. One of the perks of living in my small town is that simply taking a walk is a community experience. I know my neighbors care about me, and they know that I care about them.
I have seen several of these communities. As a grown-up, the first one that really hit me was ultimate frisbee (a high-energy team sport with an unusually high fairness ethic). I once volunteered to let a new ultimate-playing grad student stay at my house while I was hunting for a paying roommate and he was hunting for a more permanent place to live. This guy was a very good player and played tournaments across the country. He talked about how wherever he went, he could always find a place to stay. I was a little bit jealous of his connections, not to mention his ultimate skills. I do not belong to this community, although I do visit from time to time.
My sister has this same kind of deal going on with the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism, a historical participation group focusing on the Medieval period). She really got into it when she was in a military town where you are an oddity if you get married before you're even pregnant. If I had lived there, I would have joined the SCA, too. But since I live in Austin, where there is actually more than one fun thing to do, I haven't. She has that same thing where she can have an instant connection with people all across (mostly English-speaking) countries. She found her husband there.
A family friend is also in the SCA community, although he does live in a cool town. He finds that he can practice all his favorite hobbies there: guitar playing and singing, story telling, dressing up, play fighting, and probably other things I no longer remember. He met at least his first wife there.
I have a friend who deliberately joined a church, at least partly for the Machiavellian purpose of having, basically, insurance. If you belong to a church and you are in trouble, then you will have a place to get help (even beyond your own family and friends).
My parents and paternal grandparents became very involved in their synagogues for almost purely social reasons. (I mean, Grandma would make ham for Passover.) all took on major roles such as President of the Sisterhood or Newsletter Editor. Mom and Dad also help with building repair and renovation, curtain and other textile creation, fund raisers, P R, and weekly challah (bread in the shape of a braid) baking.
There's an online journaling community which I haven't quite jumped into. You can go to JournalCon in a new city every year, and there are groups of bloggers that meet regularly in many cities, including mine, I believe. There's even an online chat group I hang out in (3WA, for those who know it), but I quit being a member when payment was required because I am a cheapskate and didn't want to spend too much of my time there.
I suspect some regular writers belong to a similar community. I saw hints of community with nanowrimo and I used to go to a monthly meeting of people in my neighborhood interested in writing.
There's a folk dancing community around here, which I used to frequent and which an old roommate hangs around a lot. You can go to different dances virtually every night of the week. She freaked out a little when one of the dancers expressed concern that she had missed some events by telling her that she should get her priorities straight. My friend thought that she did have her priorities straight because there is more to life than folk dancing.
I am afraid that this is how I have felt about communities so far. I do not currently have any of these connections. I am not religious. I haven't volunteered (Red Cross, Girl Scouts) in years. I haven't gotten sucked in that deeply into ultimate frisbee or writing or even ballroom dancing. I don't even know my neighbors.
It's partly because I have more than one hobby. But there are also some creepy elements involved like not wanting to be beholden to too many people, a distaste for stalkers, and what one person calls my fierce independence. I don't really think I can be independent, but I do like not having to rely on any particular person or group for my happiness. I may also have a fear of spending too much energy in one area either because I'm afraid I will lose all my other interests, or I will become a self-centered person who thinks she is better than everyone in some area.
For example, in ballroom dance, I thought for a while that it might not actually be possible to get good without becoming icky. The best people seemed to dance only with good people (and when you're female, that meant clawing your way past the other females to the scarce males). And they looked at themselves in the mirror a lot (to check their form).
But I have been able to get relatively good without forgetting that the whole point is to have fun. In fact just this weekend I went out of my way to dance a few dances with a guy sitting by himself. I learned that he's a beginner, but nice and not at all slimy. When a merengue came on, I decided that he needed to be introduced to the magic. So I walked up to him and said, "You probably don't realize it, but you know this dance." I showed him the basic, which is one step to the side and another step to bring the feet back together, with hips moving. And I showed him the other basic which is just walking in any direction with hips moving. I showed him some arm-twirly bits to throw in, told him to add any other moves he knew from other dances, and then turned over the leading to him. My plan totally worked--based on my experience dancing with him, this might now be his best dance. At the end he asked me, "What was the name of that dance again?"
I'm not competition grade, though. I can't even really dance with my friend-of-a-friend B who has been seriously dancing with an official partner and is now awesome. Of course, the partner is known as "the dragon lady," which only supports my fear that getting good is not enough fun.
Another problem is that the one group that I really feel comfortable and happy hanging with is computer geeks. But I hate programming, computer research, computer maintenance, etc. It's just that I like the kinds of brains that people who are attracted to those things have, and I like so many of the other things they do with those fabulous brains. I've never hit it off or felt totally comfortable like that in a group of ultimate players, Girl Scout leaders, ballroom dancers, folk dancers, writers, SCAdians, or any other group I've seen.
And so although I look wistfully at the community experiences other people are having, and am on the lookout for such a thing myself, I don't currently have it. For now I have a small group of good friends, and several groups of other people I enjoy interacting with (friends-of-friends, dancers, bloggers, co-workers, etc.).
P.S. I know that around here, a surprising proportion of both ballroom dancers and ultimate players are computer folks. But some ballroom dancers are there for the touching, which is fine, but they are too desperate or otherwise creepy about it. And I have been totally turned off several times by ultimate players who have no respect for, well, me. Even in gatherings where they are pretending to be open-minded, they still really only want to play with people who are good. And even in an environment where all the women can kick my butt, and so I would really rather guard some of the men, they are so sexist that they still make me guard other women because to them "woman" is a synonym for "bad player that we have to have at least three of on our team because this is a co-ed league."
