On Sparking Joy

[livingdeb]

Marie Kondo's tidying method is getting so popular that people are starting to hate it. I finally read the (first) book last year, and although I don't think it's the final word in all things tidying, I do quite like many of the ideas. My favorite part of the decluttering step is the controversial notion of keeping only those things that "spark joy."

This is nothing short of revolutionary, because everything else I've ever heard focuses on whether you are actually using something. If you haven't used something in X amount of time, then get rid of it. But with the KonMarie method you get to keep anything you want, no matter how stupid, even if you never use it, just because you love it.

For me, what comes to mind is my Girl Scout badge vest. I do actually use it as part of a Halloween costume sometimes, but really, I just like looking at it.

I read a blog where someone explained that her can opener did not spark joy, but she was keeping it anyway. One of her commenters said that after a move she had lost her can opener and spent a very long time working to get a can open anyway. I have personal experience opening a can with a knife. So for people like us, can openers do spark joy. So one problem is that when you take something for granted, it doesn't spark joy in you; it's just ho hum.

Kondo does mention keeping things that are just useful. Once. But I propose broadening your perspective. Imagining your life without the item can help you find the joy.

And sometimes the item itself isn't what sparks joy, but rather something else associated with the item. For example, a second-favorite pair of jeans that I rarely wear because I will always choose my favorite jeans instead, still sparks joy for me because I like a low-stress life. A back-up pair means that I always have a pair available to me even if I don't keep up with the laundry, even if I want to wear jeans many days in a row, and even if my favorite jeans wear out or otherwise get destroyed. I have the luxury to take my time in catching up on laundry or shopping for another pair. Of course, you could be keeping things as spares that in fact you would never use even if your primary item broke or was lost, so that's different.

For another example, I often have an ordinary rather than exciting version of something, but it's good for what I use it for, and I like the things I use it for and I like that I already own one that works. So being able to keep certain things together and handy sparks joy even if my purse doesn't.

And despite what some people say, she does not go for one-fits-all solutions. For example, Kondo discusses old clothes in a size that you used to be and hope to one day be again. Most advice says to dump all these clothes: you'll probably never fit in them anyway, even if you do get back to the same size you'll probably be a different shape, plus those clothes will all be out of style by then anyway. Kondo adds that if owning these clothes helps encourage you to exercise and eat right, that's good. But if they spark guilt or shame, dump them.

Similarly, my sister has been going through what she calls "aspirational cookbooks." Again, if it's exciting to think of trying the recipes, she's keeping them, but if they just make her feel inferior, she's getting rid of them.

A related and even more controversial issue is thanking the items that you are letting go of. I think this makes more sense to people who practice Shinto and others who feel that inanimate objects have some kind of life force. I am not one of those people. (To the point that "Toy Story" squicks me out. Even "Coco." I like not feeling responsible for all those other possible life forces.) But I am used to translating religious terms into language that makes sense to me, and I can see this as a way to help you develop your decision-making skills. That's because Kondo encourages you to thank the item for a specific reason. Here are some reasons to be thankful for an item that no longer sparks joy:
* It was a symbol of caring from the person who gave it to me.
* It was great back when I first got it, and I enjoyed it for a while back then.
* It was fun to fantasize about using this for a while.
* I enjoyed being able to bring it home from the store.
* It helped me learn that I don't like this style/color/etc.
Plus research has shown that gratefulness helps you be happy and healthy.

Comments

[reedrover]

I never understood why people were so anti KonMarie. It seemed a graceful and gracious way to make a person's space more positive: remove unwanted clutter while making an effort to actively appreciate what is there and what is being removed.

Just about every time I see her, I give some kind of hand-down to my niece. She's almost a foot taller than me, but she is still skinny enough that some of my things look fantastic on her. This year, I gave her the leather jacket that I bought off of the street in Ecuador in 1995. I've kept it in great shape, but I don't have the shape to wear it.

As far as maintaining my own joy, I have a section of my closet that I set aside for clothes that spark joy for whatever reason. For example, I have a Kermit the Frog shirt from the Smithsonian. It makes me think of Dad. I don't wear it, I just look at it and smile. Since its presence still actively contributes to my happiness, I keep it.

I like your point about an absence of stress also contributing to joy. I hadn't really considered that thought head-on, but now that I am, I agree that removing stress is a good idea. It allows more room for joy to grow. And, in moderation, having stuff that removes stress is likely as important (if not more) as not having too much stuff. If having one more pair of jeans removes a worry, that's a good thing. (Having ten more pairs of jeans is probably excessive...)

I go back and forth about whether I can/should/do ascribe life force to inanimate objects and therefore thank them when they depart my life. The biggest example "for" is that I thanked my 10 year old Prius for its service when it died. The biggest example "against" is that I didn't do so for any other car I've owned. Hrm. Something to ponder.

[livingdeb]

Whenever they play songs too often, even really good ones, people get sick of hearing them, sometimes to the point of never wanting to hear it again. And some people don't like Kondo's writing style.

On stress, I once had a friend who had a line-item in her budget for stress relief. Sometimes it was massages. When she was going to school, it was for a parking pass so she wouldn't have to ride the bus or search so long for parking.

Obviously some stress is good if it motivates us to do important things. But most of us have plenty of unproductive, excess stress.

I'm laughing about your life force examples. It makes sense that we don't grieve the loss of all things equally.

[reedrover]

I like the line-item stress relief idea. My husband taught me the Simpson line "Money can be exchanged for goods and services" many years ago. And we use it on each other for almost any kind of justification where we would like to spend money to gain time or lose pressure.

I have not had a professional massage since World Energy Conference in Houston in 1998. I keep saying I should fix this lack, and then I don't. Maybe that should be on my list for this year...

[livingdeb]

Nice!

I'm more likely to ask my SO "Tell me why I need this!" for something that is beautiful but for which I can find no practical use. And then he can't think of a practical use either, so I don't buy it.

Yes, it doesn't seem unreasonable to schedule a massage even as much as once a decade! (I don't like them, so I don't.)

[reedrover]

Yes, we do that sometimes. But our exchange usually goes like this:

Person A: I want this! We should totally have this!
Person B: Yes! But where would we put it?
A: Somewhere totally impractical and funny.
B: Yeah, I can see that! Particularly if we escalate the impractical and funny!
A: It would be great!
B: Totally... but then this totally practical and predictable problem would happen.
A: Yeah, too bad.
B: Yeah, too bad.
*wander away*

Repeat script for everything from "immense concrete rhinoceros statue" to "six baby ferrets at the pet store."

[livingdeb]

Oh yes. I actually have fantasized about an immense concrete rhinoceros! Our neighbors would say, "Uh, why do you have a rhinoceros in your yard?" I would reply, "She won't leave!"