On Saving Face
May. 11th, 2017 09:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
livingdebI just read a book set in China, and the dialog seemed unrealistic to me, but it occurred to me that it's quite possible that it's only unrealistic in my culture and that some people really do talk like that in sensitive environments in China. There are many things about Chinese culture that I don't understand. One of those things is saving face.
I'm afraid that I've decided that I'm opposed to saving face.
Well, maybe it's okay to help save someone else's face, as a politeness to them. Especially if that person gets that there was a mistake and is already motivated not to repeat it.
But generally, I prefer an atmosphere where we can admit our mistakes as the first step to doing better. I like, for example, Steve Jobs' policy that if you break something you must report it right away and you will not be punished. Whereas if you try to hide it, you will be fired.
It seems really hard to work as part of a team when making suggestions implies that whatever you're making suggestions about is a failure and therefore whoever made that draft is getting insulted, when really the person who makes a first draft of something is actually the brave person who should be thanked for getting a detailed version of something started.
Another problem with saving face is that it leads to cover-ups. How can people like those?
I prefer the way John Oliver handles things.* For example, he showed a clip where someone mentioned that when his show first came out, he languished in relative obscurity. "I didn't 'languish in relative obscurity'! I thrived in relative obscurity! Relative obscurity is my middle name!"
And after discussing the latest threat to net neutrality, he urged that everyone take action to protect net neutrality, saying:
"Every subculture must join together as one: gamers, YouTube celebrities, Instagram models, Tom from myspace, if you're still alive. We need all of you, even--I cannot believe I'm saying this--even Donald Trump's internet fans on sites like 4chan and reddit, the most powerful online trolls of all. This subject is one of the few things that we actually, really agree on. So simply express yourselves. And harness the rage that you usually reserve for me. The rage that you used when you said I'm 'genuinely one of the most visually and intellectually repulsive people I've ever seen' with 'oddly long thumbs,' 'batshit crazy eyes,' and a mouth that 'looks like a cemetery after an earthquake.' (That's pretty good!) The point is: everyone needs to get involved."
*on "Net Neutrality II," Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92vuuZt7wak) (5/7/2017)
Admittedly, not everyone has a sense of humor, which is the most fun way to handle losing face. And sometimes the stakes are quite great, so I get it that you might feel you have to do it, but I don't like that people feel like they have to do it.
It's probably all part of my strong aversion to lying. So strong that I sometimes think I'm opposed to tact. But then I remember that real tact is telling someone something they don't want to hear in such a way that it doesn't hurt too much. (It's not lying to them or avoiding the topic, which are more common in practice.)
Really, I'm such a weirdo that there are so many places in the world where I do not fit in, and this is just one of the many, many reasons.
I'm afraid that I've decided that I'm opposed to saving face.
Well, maybe it's okay to help save someone else's face, as a politeness to them. Especially if that person gets that there was a mistake and is already motivated not to repeat it.
But generally, I prefer an atmosphere where we can admit our mistakes as the first step to doing better. I like, for example, Steve Jobs' policy that if you break something you must report it right away and you will not be punished. Whereas if you try to hide it, you will be fired.
It seems really hard to work as part of a team when making suggestions implies that whatever you're making suggestions about is a failure and therefore whoever made that draft is getting insulted, when really the person who makes a first draft of something is actually the brave person who should be thanked for getting a detailed version of something started.
Another problem with saving face is that it leads to cover-ups. How can people like those?
I prefer the way John Oliver handles things.* For example, he showed a clip where someone mentioned that when his show first came out, he languished in relative obscurity. "I didn't 'languish in relative obscurity'! I thrived in relative obscurity! Relative obscurity is my middle name!"
And after discussing the latest threat to net neutrality, he urged that everyone take action to protect net neutrality, saying:
"Every subculture must join together as one: gamers, YouTube celebrities, Instagram models, Tom from myspace, if you're still alive. We need all of you, even--I cannot believe I'm saying this--even Donald Trump's internet fans on sites like 4chan and reddit, the most powerful online trolls of all. This subject is one of the few things that we actually, really agree on. So simply express yourselves. And harness the rage that you usually reserve for me. The rage that you used when you said I'm 'genuinely one of the most visually and intellectually repulsive people I've ever seen' with 'oddly long thumbs,' 'batshit crazy eyes,' and a mouth that 'looks like a cemetery after an earthquake.' (That's pretty good!) The point is: everyone needs to get involved."
*on "Net Neutrality II," Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92vuuZt7wak) (5/7/2017)
Admittedly, not everyone has a sense of humor, which is the most fun way to handle losing face. And sometimes the stakes are quite great, so I get it that you might feel you have to do it, but I don't like that people feel like they have to do it.
It's probably all part of my strong aversion to lying. So strong that I sometimes think I'm opposed to tact. But then I remember that real tact is telling someone something they don't want to hear in such a way that it doesn't hurt too much. (It's not lying to them or avoiding the topic, which are more common in practice.)
Really, I'm such a weirdo that there are so many places in the world where I do not fit in, and this is just one of the many, many reasons.