New toilets for all!

In the spirit of keeping Austin weird, my city wants everyone to have new toilets. You can imagine the political promises of the mayor and council members:

"Other candidates talk endlessly about traffic congestion, community relations between our police and minorities, smoking in public, or developers transforming icky, dirty nature into fabulous malls. Ho-hum. I will focus strictly on what matters most.

"There are times in everyone's lives when the most important thing in the world is (dramatic pause) the humble toilet. No one should ever have to live with a broken-down or even an outdated, unstylish toilet. As your representative, I will do everything in my power to enable anyone in this city to get a brand-new toilet, regardless of income level, race, gender, sexual orientation, or plumbing ability."

Actually, there were no such speeches (that I know of). It's not really about toilets or hippie-freak weirdness; it's about fiscally responsible water conservation.

Still it's a bizarre program, this Toilet Replacement Program. You can get a free new toilet for the asking. Actually, up to three. What are the catches?

You have to get your water from the City of Austin utilities.

You have to settle for the latest in toilet technology. Or you could choose a more ordinary technology and be merely subsidized.

You have to fill out a form requesting the toilet(s) or subsidy. And mail it.

You have to use each one to replace an old toilet. By "old," I think they mean whatever's in your house now.

You have to dispose of the old toilet in some way other than letting it be re-installed somewhere. They recommend the city dump. Or setting it out on bulk-item collection day. They do not mention using it as a planter (or three planters if you separate the tank, tank lid, and bowl). Nor do they mention smashing it up and using the pieces as tiles. Nor, uh, creating a mobile or, uh, a jet engine from it.

Then if you want subsidies for the toilet and or plumbing bill, you must send them the receipts.

It comes with everything you need to install it, except you get a low-flow shower head instead of a toilet seat. So you'll have to scrounge a toilet seat somehow.

Finally you have to call to schedule an inspection.

Then they will put a colorful sign in your front yard declaring "This house is blessed with water-conserving innards." (You can tell I'm kidding in this paragraph, right? Because we have a separation of church and state. No signs.)

I actually got out of the inspection. The person who took my call said it was because I had only one toilet and because I said it is working well. I think the real reason is that this program has been surprisingly popular, so they don't have enough inspectors to get to everyone in a timely manner. (My paranoid self is pleased that finally there is an advantage to living on the side of town where city servants want to ignore you.) So maybe you do get a yard sign or perhaps froopy stickers.

The best part is that the Niagara flapperless toilet totally works.

A friend asked if it had two flush modes. No, just the one that works. He wondered if you could just half-empty the tray for those times when you might not need full power. My limited testing shows that although you can partially empty the tray, this will not lead to actual flushing, but only to a dreamy swirling motion.

So if you're suspicious of low-flow toilets or of city programs that sound too good to be true, you might want to reconsider.