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Wedding Planning One-Upsmanship
Today I ran across an interesting old blog entry called Got them No Wedding Planned blues... by Pineapple. In short, after reading Cinderella Dreams: the Allure of the Lavish Wedding, she says "my wedding is in 5 months but this damned book has upended my entire perspective and now I have wedding-planning-block and cannot make any decisions."
That is one powerful book. (I vaguely recall that she did end up married somehow, so I guess she figured out a way to work herself through this problem.)
Note: as far as I know, I am not about to get married, but I think I might get married one day, and so I do think about these issues. Like most issues, it's nice to get some of the thinking out of the way before everything becomes suddenly urgent. So, anyway,
I don't think I have (much of) a one-upsmanship mentality. But I still have too much of that "you're supposed to" thinking in my head. And this is even after I had my epiphany about weddings.
See, I was reading through Wedding Planning for Dummies or something (it was in the section of the library with new acquisitions), and each chapter would address some expected topic like invitations, but the more I read of a chapter, the more I got freaked out. Like in the catering chapter they tell you a little about catering. And they tell you how much things cost. And they tell you what kinds of things you have to specify in the contract so you don't get unpleasant surprises. And you get this picture in your head of a caterer charging $25 per person (not counting the cake) and then showing up late, having only tiny plates available, running out of or ruining your favorite dish, and then eating all the leftovers themselves. And it's all because it's your once-in-a-lifetime event and you've never used a caterer before and you'll never use one again, so they can do whatever they want.
And I realized I should instead use a caterer that I know all about, by which I mean pizza delivery guys. Duh! It would be polite to call ahead, and maybe plan for a time when they're not too busy (like not during the Superbowl or a weekday lunch rush) rather than just calling right before the ceremony, but still. That would be good, right?
So today I did a little more thinking about what I would want from a wedding. I want to marry the right guy, of course. And I want to turn him into family in front of witnesses, and also invite my mom who really wants to come. I think that marriages are just for the couple, but weddings should also be for their other significant others. Also, it's a good excuse to get people to visit who ordinarily wouldn't.
So people will be coming from far away and I don't want to just shake their hands and say I'm so glad they came and then never see them again because I am running around freaking out, doing last-minute preparations, getting pictures taken, talking to a million other guests, and being too stressed to eat that $25/plate food.
I already decided that there shouldn't be a "head" table for the couple and their attendants. Instead, I'd like an empty place at every table, and the bride and groom can sit at each table for a little while. And it can't be too big, maybe fifty people, which is already a lot of people to try to see in one day.
I also decided I want there to be enough room for everyone to sit at a table and for everyone to dance. I want big, comfy chairs for old or tired people.
But today I also decided there has to be room for everyone inside. I am willing to pay a little too much for heating and air conditioning so I don't have to worry about the weather.
I already decided that there should be milk to go with the cake. And plenty of food and plenty of napkins and reasonably sized plates and cups.
But I can't imagine food not requiring last-minute preparation, so today I decided I do want caterers. It could be two caterers like an Indian food one at one long table and a barbecue one at the other. I don't even care about having a cake. I just want plenty of choices of yummy food.
But besides a good spouse, heating or air conditioning, and plenty of good food (maybe a brunch buffet in the early afternoon and pizza delivery in the late afternoon), there's not much else I care about. I do want a ridiculously fancy and whooshy dress. But I don't care about centerpieces or flowers or live bands. I want activities. Like origami. Board games. Volleyball. Bubbles. Dancing, of course. I don't know. I want time to sit around talking to people and catching up with them.
I guess I'd just want a short ceremony followed by a long party. I should practice throwing parties more. Maybe not for fifty people though.
Note: Of course I do realize that the groom and the relatives and the good friends might also have opinions, but this blog isn't about that.
And how many of us could consciously say, "Yes, the trend in today's culture is to have the most stylishly unique wedding, because it has become a catty game of oneupsmanship, wrapped in a raw desire to climb the social ladder, and therefore if I am to impress my guests with my savvy and my worthiness, they must be delighted with surprise at the execution of the never-before-seen centerpiece idea that I have been guarding as viciously as a mother wolf with newborn cubs"?
I would venture to say "none." Because I know that I was reading this book (and there are dozens more moments like this in it), and pausing to realize that, yes, if I look inside, that's the whole point. It's been the point all along, and not just for me but for everyone I know, even if they aren't aware or can't admit it. The conspicuous consumption is now part and parcel of weddings today, and its mandated execution in the form of "unique elegance" is just another aspect of proving ourselves better than you. And this fixation on "unique elegance" does not rear its desperate head in funerals, first communions and other rites of passage. ...
The devil of Martha Stewart sits on one shoulder, seducing me with whispers about basil-tomato tarts and hydrangeas in silver bowls. The angel of Susan Faludi sits on the other, warning me about the crisis of conscience I will experience when I sign on the dotted line for a 5-digit menu, and the dilettante of feminism and liberalism that I will officially become the second that I purchase a hand-embellished gown that I will only wear once in my life.
And so I am frozen. Time is ticking away, and I do not have a wedding planned, and I no longer have a mechanism for planning it either. The filter has been put in place, and everything I want to plan is now tinged with resentment.
That is one powerful book. (I vaguely recall that she did end up married somehow, so I guess she figured out a way to work herself through this problem.)
Note: as far as I know, I am not about to get married, but I think I might get married one day, and so I do think about these issues. Like most issues, it's nice to get some of the thinking out of the way before everything becomes suddenly urgent. So, anyway,
I don't think I have (much of) a one-upsmanship mentality. But I still have too much of that "you're supposed to" thinking in my head. And this is even after I had my epiphany about weddings.
See, I was reading through Wedding Planning for Dummies or something (it was in the section of the library with new acquisitions), and each chapter would address some expected topic like invitations, but the more I read of a chapter, the more I got freaked out. Like in the catering chapter they tell you a little about catering. And they tell you how much things cost. And they tell you what kinds of things you have to specify in the contract so you don't get unpleasant surprises. And you get this picture in your head of a caterer charging $25 per person (not counting the cake) and then showing up late, having only tiny plates available, running out of or ruining your favorite dish, and then eating all the leftovers themselves. And it's all because it's your once-in-a-lifetime event and you've never used a caterer before and you'll never use one again, so they can do whatever they want.
And I realized I should instead use a caterer that I know all about, by which I mean pizza delivery guys. Duh! It would be polite to call ahead, and maybe plan for a time when they're not too busy (like not during the Superbowl or a weekday lunch rush) rather than just calling right before the ceremony, but still. That would be good, right?
So today I did a little more thinking about what I would want from a wedding. I want to marry the right guy, of course. And I want to turn him into family in front of witnesses, and also invite my mom who really wants to come. I think that marriages are just for the couple, but weddings should also be for their other significant others. Also, it's a good excuse to get people to visit who ordinarily wouldn't.
So people will be coming from far away and I don't want to just shake their hands and say I'm so glad they came and then never see them again because I am running around freaking out, doing last-minute preparations, getting pictures taken, talking to a million other guests, and being too stressed to eat that $25/plate food.
I already decided that there shouldn't be a "head" table for the couple and their attendants. Instead, I'd like an empty place at every table, and the bride and groom can sit at each table for a little while. And it can't be too big, maybe fifty people, which is already a lot of people to try to see in one day.
I also decided I want there to be enough room for everyone to sit at a table and for everyone to dance. I want big, comfy chairs for old or tired people.
But today I also decided there has to be room for everyone inside. I am willing to pay a little too much for heating and air conditioning so I don't have to worry about the weather.
I already decided that there should be milk to go with the cake. And plenty of food and plenty of napkins and reasonably sized plates and cups.
But I can't imagine food not requiring last-minute preparation, so today I decided I do want caterers. It could be two caterers like an Indian food one at one long table and a barbecue one at the other. I don't even care about having a cake. I just want plenty of choices of yummy food.
But besides a good spouse, heating or air conditioning, and plenty of good food (maybe a brunch buffet in the early afternoon and pizza delivery in the late afternoon), there's not much else I care about. I do want a ridiculously fancy and whooshy dress. But I don't care about centerpieces or flowers or live bands. I want activities. Like origami. Board games. Volleyball. Bubbles. Dancing, of course. I don't know. I want time to sit around talking to people and catching up with them.
I guess I'd just want a short ceremony followed by a long party. I should practice throwing parties more. Maybe not for fifty people though.
Note: Of course I do realize that the groom and the relatives and the good friends might also have opinions, but this blog isn't about that.
Weddings
I've also thought of the idea of a contra dance and potluck wedding. This would only be appropriate if my spouse were a contra dancer. And this could be one of several wedding celebrations, for the dance-specific crowd, though the non-dancers would certainly have a good introduction to contra dancing if they were to attend.
Oh, but first I need to concentrate on other things. Like actually having a relationship :) Then I'll decide if I ever want to marry.
Re: Weddings
I've also thought of a potluck dinner, but now I'm richer and would like people to be able to just show up. Back when I was thinking of it though, I decided that out-of-towners wouldn't be bringing any of the food.
I know someone who thought sack lunches would be a good idea. You could even decorate them all crazy-like in ribbons and lace and everything. And of course they would be really good sack lunches! The bride did not happen to go for this idea. Hmm, now that I mention it, hmm...
Sometimes non-dancers like to watch dancers. So long as the music isn't so loud that they can't talk to each other, it's probably okay to make it the only activity. (People are, after all, prepared to deal with dancing at weddings.)