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Prepping for the Prep
'Tis the season for exciting new life experiences. For example, this year my niece is finally old enough to go to school. And I'm old enough to have my first colonoscopy.
Unlike other medical procedures (and getting drunk), the worst part happens before the procedure rather than after. Here's how the prep is going to for me.
Low-fiber diet
Three days prior, I have to start eating a low-fiber diet. I'll be having chocolate milk and cheese omelets. Yum!
For the grain food group, they recommend a bunch of stuff I never eat at home: white bread, French toast made with white bread, white rice, white pasta, saltines, rice krispies, and corn flakes. This is because I don't eat enough vegetables, so I try to make sure to get plenty of fiber from my grains. But now, I have to eat junk food. For my health.
So I've been trying to think of which white-bread thing I was going to indulge in. Strangely, most of them don't even sound like a special treat. But three things do: cinnamon rolls made from those cans you whop upside the counter, crescent rolls from the same kinds of cans, and donuts. (Real donuts, not Little Debbie type donuts.) So I bought some whop crescent rolls. And if I go shopping during that period, I will get a donut.
Clear-liquid diet
The day before, I am supposed to switch to a clear liquid diet. By "clear" they mean "transparent." It can have colors, so long as the colors are not red or purple.
Again, most of the recommended "foods" are things I do not regularly eat. The healthiest ones are water, tea (yuck), coffee (yuck) and fat-free broth. I got some real broth Robin likes (usually I eat Ramen noodles or reconstitute some from a jar of "Better than Broth").
You can also have apple or white grape juice. We can pretend these are healthy. Because they come from fruit!
But then, there's a huge list of junk food drinks. The rare times I drink them, I generally prefer the red and purple flavors. But I got some creme soda, another favorite.
Then I also got some jello in the only color that was not red or purple (yellow for lemon flavor) because there's supposedly protein in that and it supposedly feels kind of like food when you're hungry.
We can also have popsicles and sorbet (??). I haven't gotten any of those yet. And Ensure Clear--This is what hypoglycemics have to have, and it sounds good to me, but I haven't found any.
They also have some recipes. These mostly involve putting the approved liquids into a blender with some ice to make them slushy.
I've fasted for 24 hours before (for Yom Kippur) and am not a fan. This is better than fasting but it will be for over 36 hours. I will at least get to sleep through two nights worth of those hours.
Cleansing liquids
The evening before, I'm supposed to take laxatives and also drink down a half gallon of something mixed with a powder laxative. Then I have another half gallon of the stuff in the morning.
In the olden days you had to drink the whole gallon at once, but they have found that splitting it works better in cleaning out the colon. I found pictures showing a clean colon versus the other kind, and it's obvious why the doctor wants to be able to see what he's doing.
Everyone says this stuff tastes really horrible except some people that say the kind of powder I'm using (Miralax) isn't that bad compared to the stuff they used to use. It's recommended that you mix it with something flavorful like Gatorade or Crystal Light and refrigerate it so you can't taste it so much. But some people recommend that you don't mix it with something you like because you'll never like that thing again.
I got some clear fruit-flavored Gatorade, but I'm also going to try some in plain water. And I'm going to try a great-sounding trick I heard which is to use a straw.
The procedure
You'd never know it from reading, but you don't actually have to be sedated for this procedure. They will tell you that it's not really anesthesia, but you are out cold and someone has to drive you home, so it seems the same to me.
The first colonoscopist I went to was really pushing the sedation even though he admitted that he did not get sedated himself when he got a colonoscopy. Due to my ballroom dancing experience, I switched to a different colonoscopist.
See, in ballroom dancing, I learned that if a song comes on and I think it's one dance (like, say, samba) but my partner, who is in charge of leading, thinks it's another dance (even a more boring dance like, say, merengue), I definitely have more fun when doing the dance that the guy is inspired to lead.
That first colonoscopist was clearly not comfortable doing a colonoscopy on someone who was not sedated, so I switched to Robin's guy. Even the second guy asked me why I didn't want sedation before giving any hint that he agreed that this was the better choice.
He also said I get to watch--the screen that shows him what's going on will also be in front of me, so that's cool.
The insurance
My employer was very thrilled a couple of years ago to announce that all colonoscopies would now be free. But the lady at the doctor's office explained that they're only free if the doctor doesn't find anything. Otherwise it's the usual (I pay the deductible and then 20%). Well, that's still okay with me--if he finds something and fixes it, that's when it's worth more to me anyway.
Unlike other medical procedures (and getting drunk), the worst part happens before the procedure rather than after. Here's how the prep is going to for me.
Low-fiber diet
Three days prior, I have to start eating a low-fiber diet. I'll be having chocolate milk and cheese omelets. Yum!
For the grain food group, they recommend a bunch of stuff I never eat at home: white bread, French toast made with white bread, white rice, white pasta, saltines, rice krispies, and corn flakes. This is because I don't eat enough vegetables, so I try to make sure to get plenty of fiber from my grains. But now, I have to eat junk food. For my health.
So I've been trying to think of which white-bread thing I was going to indulge in. Strangely, most of them don't even sound like a special treat. But three things do: cinnamon rolls made from those cans you whop upside the counter, crescent rolls from the same kinds of cans, and donuts. (Real donuts, not Little Debbie type donuts.) So I bought some whop crescent rolls. And if I go shopping during that period, I will get a donut.
Clear-liquid diet
The day before, I am supposed to switch to a clear liquid diet. By "clear" they mean "transparent." It can have colors, so long as the colors are not red or purple.
Again, most of the recommended "foods" are things I do not regularly eat. The healthiest ones are water, tea (yuck), coffee (yuck) and fat-free broth. I got some real broth Robin likes (usually I eat Ramen noodles or reconstitute some from a jar of "Better than Broth").
You can also have apple or white grape juice. We can pretend these are healthy. Because they come from fruit!
But then, there's a huge list of junk food drinks. The rare times I drink them, I generally prefer the red and purple flavors. But I got some creme soda, another favorite.
Then I also got some jello in the only color that was not red or purple (yellow for lemon flavor) because there's supposedly protein in that and it supposedly feels kind of like food when you're hungry.
We can also have popsicles and sorbet (??). I haven't gotten any of those yet. And Ensure Clear--This is what hypoglycemics have to have, and it sounds good to me, but I haven't found any.
They also have some recipes. These mostly involve putting the approved liquids into a blender with some ice to make them slushy.
I've fasted for 24 hours before (for Yom Kippur) and am not a fan. This is better than fasting but it will be for over 36 hours. I will at least get to sleep through two nights worth of those hours.
Cleansing liquids
The evening before, I'm supposed to take laxatives and also drink down a half gallon of something mixed with a powder laxative. Then I have another half gallon of the stuff in the morning.
In the olden days you had to drink the whole gallon at once, but they have found that splitting it works better in cleaning out the colon. I found pictures showing a clean colon versus the other kind, and it's obvious why the doctor wants to be able to see what he's doing.
Everyone says this stuff tastes really horrible except some people that say the kind of powder I'm using (Miralax) isn't that bad compared to the stuff they used to use. It's recommended that you mix it with something flavorful like Gatorade or Crystal Light and refrigerate it so you can't taste it so much. But some people recommend that you don't mix it with something you like because you'll never like that thing again.
I got some clear fruit-flavored Gatorade, but I'm also going to try some in plain water. And I'm going to try a great-sounding trick I heard which is to use a straw.
The procedure
You'd never know it from reading, but you don't actually have to be sedated for this procedure. They will tell you that it's not really anesthesia, but you are out cold and someone has to drive you home, so it seems the same to me.
The first colonoscopist I went to was really pushing the sedation even though he admitted that he did not get sedated himself when he got a colonoscopy. Due to my ballroom dancing experience, I switched to a different colonoscopist.
See, in ballroom dancing, I learned that if a song comes on and I think it's one dance (like, say, samba) but my partner, who is in charge of leading, thinks it's another dance (even a more boring dance like, say, merengue), I definitely have more fun when doing the dance that the guy is inspired to lead.
That first colonoscopist was clearly not comfortable doing a colonoscopy on someone who was not sedated, so I switched to Robin's guy. Even the second guy asked me why I didn't want sedation before giving any hint that he agreed that this was the better choice.
He also said I get to watch--the screen that shows him what's going on will also be in front of me, so that's cool.
The insurance
My employer was very thrilled a couple of years ago to announce that all colonoscopies would now be free. But the lady at the doctor's office explained that they're only free if the doctor doesn't find anything. Otherwise it's the usual (I pay the deductible and then 20%). Well, that's still okay with me--if he finds something and fixes it, that's when it's worth more to me anyway.
Wow
I look forward to your description of the experience.
Re: Wow
Hmm, if people had to get a colonoscopy every time they fell off their diets, people might suddenly get very good at staying on their diets!
Yes, there will be a follow-up entry. Meanwhile, I have found some Ensure Clear (in blueberry pomegranite flavor). And I have gotten some frozen macaroni and cheese with almost no fiber from Trader Joe's.
Re: Wow